From the View of a Single Mom

So, I have been missing blogging lately and decided to explore the possibility of really getting back into it. The only way for me to do that is to get something off my chest.. something that, for every blog I wrote, was always in the back of my mind screaming to come out. Infact, it is the reason I stopped blogging.
I am mad. I am mad that I as soon as my daughter was born, I knew I would have to lie to her. And not just a little white lie, a big, fat, horrible one. And to top it all off, after I lie to her, I know that eventually she will find out the truth, and possible be really upset with me for lieing. I will, however, try everything in my power to keep it from her, so this post will be deleted if my daughter does infact ever read this blog.. It is something I hope she never has to know.
You know all those cute little baby books you get as gifts? The ones with all the questions? How did you come up with my name? What's my favorite colour? What was my first word? All cute stuff, right? Wrong.
What were mom's thoughts when I was born?
I'd have to lie.
What were dad's thoughts when I was born?
Lie.
What were your thoughts when you found out I was coming into this world?
Lie.
A lot of horrible things were said throughout the pregnancy.. but basically to sum it up, Abby's father and I were not planning her arrival. I eventually accepted it and embraced the fact that my life was no longer going to be just mine. He did not, and reminded me all the time that this is something he never wanted.
I will never forget the day after Abby was born. Sitting in the hospital, exhausted from the day before. Visitors started coming, and I find out what happened outside of my delivery room, the night before and I fall apart in every way. I knew that a lot of things had been said, but figured that once she would be here and he got a good look at her, it would have to change.. right? Instead I find out that he spent the day feeling sorry for himself and eventually was dragged to the hospital. Still doesn't want her. What a horrible feeling. The thoughts that went through my head that day still haunt me. What had I done. I brought this innocent life into the world and she wasn't wanted. Family for her would always be weird. He hates me for having her, so of course, his family will always be influenced by that, and I don't blame them, but it makes things hard. I tried to pretend that it wouldn't be a factor for a while, and realized it is something that can't be escaped.
Same goes with my family, although it has to be easier for them.. they actually SEE every day what goes on, or worse, what doesn't. But sitting in the hospital bed, knowing she would grow up and see it all just made me feel so horrible for bringing her into this world. But that isn't what made me cry all day. I was in pain, and so much was going on, but that day, the people who I really felt for was his family. His Dad.. who he does not talk to now has a grandchild of his own. How hard must that be. To not be on good terms with your son but want to be a part of your grandaughters life without trying to make things even worse. He didn't want to visit because he didn't want to make a bad situation worse, but ended up coming to see her. I was so happy that he did. His visit took so much weight off my mind and I am happy that he will be able to have a relationship with her. I know that Abby's Dad must be mad at me for keeping contact with him but I pray that one day they can get over their differences, and Abby will not need to know any different.
That family member has it the easiest though.
The ones who have it really bad are the ones who still have a good relationship with Abby's father. How torn inside it must feel to love two people so much and feel the distance between them.. like you have to choose. To love your new family member so much, and know that her father doesn't feel the same as you do. That you want to see her and be with her, but at some level, feel guilty for not being there for the member that has been in your life all along, no matter how much in the wrong they are. This is all speculation, and I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. It must be the worst feeling in the world. Smiles and words don't cover up whats deep inside. I know the people that love her. I can see it in their eyes. Eyes never lie. And they love her.. I mean, really love her. Like I love her. So it has to hurt. And that day, I hurt for them.

I did not expect to have a c-section. I remember the day I was supposed to be released and how much I cried. I was in so much pain. Just to get out of bed took me a couple minutes. How was I supposed to go home and take care of a baby all by myself when I couldn't move. Everyone worked. I was going to be alone. I was exhausted. Maybe slept about 4 hours the whole three days I was in the hospital because I was just so overcome with everything going on around me. And after I would compose myself a bit, tell myself it would all be ok and somehow I'd manage, I'd feel so guilty and like such a horrible mother for not being that happy mom in the hospital bed holding her beautiful, beautiful daughter who was just so perfect but her mom was too busy feeling sorry about herself to notice. And then the tears came again. Those were just some of my thoughts. Do I write that in the baby book? Of course not. Don't get me wrong, I did feel blessed to have her. The night she was born was one of the best moments of my life. I was oblivious to everything going on around me and she was just so perfect. The only reality at that time was us. And it felt so good, and I knew I made the right choice at that moment.

That week home was the most difficult week of my life. No one was there. I had friends who were able to stop by, but they all lived out of town and had their busy lives so it was only an hour here and there. It was just me, in a lot of pain, with a demanding newborn. Then on top of that, reality had hit hard. My hopes that her father would come around were disappearing every day that passed that I didn't hear from him. Although I never got replies, I sent pictures and updates because I figured deep down he would have to care.. right? It was two weeks after she was born that I finally heard from him and he wanted to take her. YES! I was so happy! I was worried about how she would be without me, but the fact that he wanted to see her made me have hope. When he came to get her, I see his face.. and I know him. I know him really well. I spent almost five years every day with that face. He didn't want to see her. His friends did. And that became a pattern. For the first few months of her life, he would take her when other people were around.. pretend that she is actually a part of his life. I just went along with it. At least she got to spend time and see her dad right? Then it started being a once a week thing for a few hours. Progress right? ...

I have a love/hate relationship with Mondays now. On the plus side, I have a few hours once a week when I am free. It feels nice to be free. I love my daughter very much, but being home all the time with no break from her gets to me and I need some ME time. He tells me that she just cries for him though. So, is that really good? Does she really know him? Is she scared? Is she treated well? Does she see his eyes...? I hope she never really sees his eyes. I see those eyes every week. Twice. I try and say positive things.. update him on the things she can do.. what she says.. even spent a lot of time saying dada just so that he can hear it so it can melt his heart like mama melts mine. There is a smile, and words, but the eyes don't change. I really hope they do. He has told me a few times up until about 5 months ago that he would take her just so he could say that he did. I know he must care about her a bit now, but I hope for so much more. I don't know how much longer I can look at those eyes.. I'm sure she sees them. That's probably why she cries. They make me cry.
The truth hurts.
This ugly truth is something I deal with every day. How do I hide it from my daughter. When will she start to realize that her dad only wants to see her once a week for a few hours. And does he even really want to? If he did, wouldn't he, on the days he missed, try to make it up? Or, if he had a free night, would he not want to see her? Or on a weekend? I spend more time with her and her diapers than he has with her. My brother, who lives 7 hours away from me, has spent more time with her than he has. How is that possible? I mean, he says he loves her, but how is it that someone who lives so far away can make more of an effort to get to know her than he does. Will it change? I hope so... but I get less hopeful every day.
And I feel guilty sometimes for thinking these things. I mean, some dads don't spend any time with their kids.. so anytime he makes to see his daughter I try and appreciate. And then others made me feel guilty.. because at least he is trying. Well, is he really? And if so, just how hard IS he trying? He puts on his dad hat once a week and I really wonder if, after he drops her off back home, does he even think about her until Monday morning again. And when he has her, is he actually the one visiting with her, or is it someone else.

The whole reason I am writing this blog is because I have felt guilty for feeling some of these things. I am the one who did not want an abortion. I am the one who accepted responsiblility for my actions and she is the consequence. I am ok with that. Why, if he didn't want to accept it, should I hope for or expect any more of him than nothing at all? After all, it was my choice. Afterall, he's "trying". Then I read a blog by Dan over at Single Dad Laughing.. Real Dads Don't Leave. One section of this blog really hit home for me.

"But there is another kind of father who leaves as well. This dad leaves in disguise. He works to make it appear that he’s not leaving at all. He, like that first man, cloaks himself in rationalization and reasoning. He shows up just often enough to pull off his ruse, and he goes to bed each night feeling good about himself as the dad that he thinks himself to be. This second type is the divorced dad who by choice becomes nothing more than a weekend or a summer dad.

I cannot comprehend fathers that do this. I don’t understand how they can be okay with their choices, and I don’t understand how they can be okay offering such trace amounts of time and support to their children.

A dad like this is okay being a dad every other weekend and a couple weeks every summer. He’s okay spending such minimal and limited time with his child. He’s okay letting his child’s mother do the vast majority of the raising, and he is often okay watching another man step into the picture and be the dominant father figure for his own children.

He doesn't fight to constantly be with and near his child. He doesn't fight to be a real dad to his child. He doesn’t really fight at all.

Though, he probably claims that he does. He probably spends a lot of wasteful hours telling the people in his life that he did and is doing everything he can for his child. He probably has painted a picture so pretty that even he has started to believe it.

Many of these dads hide behind phone calls and text messages to their kids. They believe that a quick check-in every so often is sufficient enough to brand themselves as "there". They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they lie to their kids.

Many of these dads can be wrapped under the label of Disneyland Dads. They have their children so infrequently, that when they do, it’s nothing but fun and revelry. These dads really never parent at all. A dad like this convinces himself that as long as his kid is spoiled and happy when she leaves, he’s a good dad. He’s doing his duty. After all, his kid loves him.

Real divorced dads don’t do that. Sure they find ways to do all of the things Disneyland Dads do, but they also understand how important it is to be there as often as they possibly can. They understand that their kids need their fathers’ examples and discipline. They understand the unbalance that happens when their child is fatherless most of the time.

These dads, these real dads, they fight for their children."

THIS coming from a dad. I cried when I read this for the first time. Someone gets it. Someone understand that I am not this heartless person.

I try more than I can possibly explain. I offer extra time.. always make sure I ask if he wants to take her when I need someone to watch her, just incase he does. Print off pictures for him. Tell him what she can do and what she likes to do. Rearrange her schedule so that she is ok for the night with him. I put a smile on my face, and I try. It's not easy. I don't even ask for financial support, even though I need it pretty bad, because I am worried that he will just have another reason to resent her and that's the last thing I want.

So, I am not going to feel guilty anymore. I am doing my part as a mom and I am doing a great job. I love her enough for both of us. I care for her enough for both of us. She is not missing out on anything. He is. I just hope for the day that I can fill out that book and what I write won't be a lie. The day his eyes light up when he sees her instead of shadow over.. so maybe she will never have to know the truth. And if it doesn't happen, to stop with the charade and not use her once a week to try and prove something to others.

Now that I have written this, you won't hear about it again. I don't think any worse scenarios can come up because we have come across them all. It felt good to get it off my chest.. feelings that I've held in for a long time. Now I can focus more on her.
Our reality.
The reality of the night she was born.
That perfect moment of just.. us.

The Journey of Life

The best and the worst part about life is you can never really plan your journey. All you can do is keep walking forward along the path in front of you. Maybe its an easy downhill walk with beautiful scenery - only appreciated after you see the hill in the distance that inevitably, you will have to climb. Maybe you were forced on a path that you wish you weren't on. Maybe you'll wish you had walked just a bit slower when you had the opportunity. Maybe you should have turned down another path that didn't look as appealing. Maybe...

Almost two years ago I was faced with two paths. One path was straight, and I could see where I was going for miles. One path, was a mountain.
The straight path can tempt some, but not me. I knew that somewhere on the mountain path I would pick up a tiny little passenger, so I started to climb.

Two years ago, if you would have asked me where I would be at this moment, I would have said somewhere in Asia- traveling, teaching, learning, growing- preparing myself for Teacher's College in September. Then who knows where I would be after that.
What am I actually doing? I'm a single mom trying to find some sort of child care for my daughter so I can return to a job that I never saw myself staying with after I graduated from University. A job I need to support us. A job I now, can't leave.

It is hard thinking I will be going back to work only to give half of my pay cheque to childcare. Even harder knowing that, just when she is really starting to become her own person, she is going to be raised by someone else. Even worse, there is so far, only ONE person able to take her in, so I don't really have a choice where she goes.


Here I am, still climbing that mountain. But on my journey, I picked up that passenger. And she is the perfect companion. The climb is still difficult, but the view is spectacular.. and it will only get better as I climb.

9 months!

Well, it's here. 9 months old tomorrow. Another month closer to a year old. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... where does the time go!??? You are so grown up. So many people have said that you have lost your baby features, and they are right. You are just a giant bundle of want-to-be toddler. My favorite thing about this month, is that your personality is really starting to come out. You are such a little observer. You watch and study everything with an intensity that I will never live to know myself. You are so loud and playful when you know your surroundings, but when you are in a new place you quiet right down and cautiously observe. You are also very clever. If you want something, you will find a way to get it. You can climb and maneuver with the best of them, won't stop until you've reached your goal,no matter how many times someone tries to stop you. Determined. That I expected. Your Dad and I both have that quality as well of a pinch or two of stubbornness, so it is only natural for you to be the same.

Over the past two months you learned to wave and clap by request, say and sign "more", sign "food", sign "milk". You call me "mama" and you call grandma "nana". You can also say "banana" and your favourite syllabol is "da". You pick up story books all the time, but don't like when I read them to you anymore. You want to read them to me! And you do it so proudly.
Two giant milestone that you mastered in the last two months were walking with things and standing by yourself.

Two days ago you braved taking a step, mouth wide open with excitement. You landed on your bum, beaming with pride.

It is so hard to wipe that smile off your face these days. You are such an extremely happy baby!! I don't even remember the days that I had to walk around and bounce with you because all you would do is cry. Now, all you do is smile. And, if you aren't smiling, all I have to do is smile at you and you do it right back.

It's funny how your looks change. For about 5 months straight now, you were a mini me. Looked exactly like all my baby pictures. Sometimes it felt weird looking at you because it was so unreal. The last few days though you look a bit like me, but A LOT like your Daddy. You both have the same expressions and it is funny to see.

You weigh 18lbs and are 28 1/2 inches! So tall!! And you cut your first tooth two days ago. FINALLY! It looks like there are a bunch more ready to come out.. so I am trying to soak up your gummy smile for the small amount of time that I have left.

And last, but not least, you sleep. You sleep for 10-11 hours straight and I love you so much more for that, if it is even possible.

Wordless Wednesday

She loved playing with the clover garland!

Riding her favourite horsie

AND I couldn't resist snapping a picture of the bum-in-air sleep position

Finally!

You never really realize just how limited your time can be until you have a child. I remember always thinking when I was pregnant.. "Well, I work two jobs, go to University full-time, am an intricate part of a large stage production at the University, AND I'm pregnant. I'll be fine." HA! HA HA! I was so naive.. then, I was up at 6 or 7 every day and in bed by about 1, jam packed with things to do, and I find myself busier now. It took me ONE FULL WEEK to paint Abby's room, the bulk of which I did when Abby was with her Dad yesterday. I tried all week to get it done before Monday so I could have some relax time, but it just didn't happen. I think I had forgotten how much work it can actually be to paint a room. This room was the most work for sure, because I had to move everything out of the room and normally I'd just move it out of the way. I probably could have done it sooner if I didn't walk with Abby for almost every afternoon nap, but it was so nice this week. I found a great route that is about 2 hours and the majority of it is along the canal. There is also a little picnic area with a playground about half way that I think will be a perfect pit-stop when she gets a bit older. Anyways, now the painting is done and I just have to wait a couple days to let it cure so I can get everything up and moved back in! Abby has been fantastic sleeping in my room. I have really been enjoying it. Once this week she woke up at 3, but the rest was 5-7. I think I finally have a full-night sleeper! And it was just too cute when I would come to bed. She likes sleeping on her stomach now, with her bum in the air. I always put her down on her back, and every night when I have gone to bed this week I peaked in her crib with the light from my phone, and every time she would be in a new place, bum in the air, and cute as a button. I find it so funny that I look forward to her naps and bed time to squeeze in some "me" time, but when she is actually asleep, all I want to do is scoop her up and cuddle with her. I plan on moving her things back into her room by the weekend, but have a feeling that I won't actually get it done until Monday..! So, until next week!
Oh! Side note, today is Abby's 9 month doctors appointment! I can't wait to see how much she weighs and how tall she is!!

Wordless Wednesday Easter Dress/ Birthday Dress

Not only will Abby be celebrating her first Easter, but my birthday falls on the same day! Therefore, the girl needed two dresses for the occasions!

Now a picture of the next dress will NEVER do it justice. I love this dress more than life itself. Abby was a bit restless from the first dress photo attempt so I let her just wonder around with this one.

She loves waving at herself in the mirror. And I love it too. After all, getting to see two of her is definitely better than one :)

More Renos!

So, here it is. Pictures of the rest of the house. Lots of work, but I am motivated to get it done!

So this is the entrance way. I'm ok with everything there, except that it's pink. Yes, pink. I am starting to get used to it, which is why I need to change it. I was born a neutral girl and I will die a neutral girl.
My livingroom. Do you see the big empty wall staring back at me?! This picture does not do the space justice. The TV is 42" if that gives you a better sense of the space. There is only one solution to this problem, and it is art. Lots of art. And then, there is the pink factor. Also, a strange outlet just floating there on the wall. Not sure what to do with that either.. I am sure there is some need artwork that requires electricity out there though.. it's just a matter of finding said artwork.

This is the diningroom, which is just a continuation of the livingroom. What do you see (aside from my oodles of craft stuff)? More wall. Yes, more wall. Eventually I hope to fill this space with a piano, but for now? More art. I did purchase a fairly large mirror the other day though that I think will look great, it is just a matter of putting it up. And then there is the "pink" factor... yikes.

This, obviously, is the kitchen. There isn't too much I'd change about it. Infact, I am inlove with this kitchen. It, and the entrance way, is what made me love this house so much. The walls are in good shape and don't need paint, and I like the colour, but am not sure it will go with the colour I am choosing for the livingroom etc.. so I'll have to play it by ear. Also need to get a new table, but that is not a necessity. What DOES need to go, is that crazy excuse of a light fixture. Lime green, orange, and white should never hang together.. ever. At least in my kitchen.

Bathroom. Besides the PURPLE walls and the window sheer, I love everything about this bathroom. Especially the sink unit. I know I am going to go with a brown for the walls, but I haven't decided what shade. There are so many colours to grab from between the counter and the floor that it is hard to choose.

Back to my room, that is currently being invaded by my ever-so-sweet 8 month old. So, as you may have noticed, the walls are lime green. Yup. Lime green. I think the light fixture from the kitchen was intended for this room, but ended up hanging too low. The curtains and furniture were purchased after the house, as well as the picture frames that are still in their packaging.. oops! I keep meaning to finish my picture project for those, but I end up taking on other projects. I have discovered that it is very hard to choose just the right picture combination to say what I want it to. A picture is worth a thousand words, right? So four together? That is quite a long story.. that if not told right, runs the risk of being very boring.. although Abby is going to be the subject so I can't really go wrong. I also have a piano in my room, saxophone, trumpet and guitar that come with A LOT of music. My closet is the same as Abby's closet, and I am hoping to divide it the same and have half of it designated to storage and shelving. First thing's first though, get rid of the green. I am thinking an ashy, browny grey.. something dark. I may need to find the right bedset first because it is so much harder matching sets to walls than walls to sets.

Needless to say, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Just wait until it gets nice enough to do some outside work. I LOVE gardening. Love everything about it. I can't wait to get my hands in some dirt and there are a LOT of beds to work in here :)

Tomorrows goal? Abby. Pictures of Abby. It has been too long and that is a crime. Wordless Wednesday needs a good one!

Room Renos!

So, I have officially taken on the project of Abby's room renovation. I took some "before" pictures today and was able to get 3 coats of magnetic primer on the closet walls. Tomorrow I hope to get the chalkboard paint on and putty the holes in the walls. Maybe even put up the painters tape! Abby's room from the doorway.. notice the lovely pink walls in the hallway.... eek.

The room used to have a bear border running along the top but I took that down. I don't mind the colour really, but it needs to be repainted anyways so I'm going with a neutral colour. Also need to find something to put over her change table because the wall feels pretty empty. I am working on a little picture collage that I think will be nice, but time will tell! The light fixture isn't shown, but it is just one of those regular dome lights. I am seriously contemplating putting a little gem chandelier up, but am not sure if I can incorporate it into the jungle theme? I'm sure I can.. and then with the neutral colour on the wall her room can be transformed into the princess room I'm almost sure she will want later on in life with little to no effort.

The blind in the window needs to go.. it lets a lot of light in and.. well.. I just don't like it. The curtain rod that I had at the old place doesn't fit over the window anymore, and the curtains need to be taken up a bit. I need to staple or fasten the cords for the flower lights against the wall somehow in a safe way.. haven't figured out how I am going to do that just yet.. but we'll see.


I have this bookshelf for her things, but I am hoping to find something else to organize everything, or just use her gigantic closet . Her swing also needs to go, but I need to find space still, so it may stay there for a while longer. I made the letters for her name before I moved for the last place, but in this space they seem a bit empty, so I have some decals for the wall. I'm not sure if it will be too much, but even if it is, I am pretty sure she is going to love them. Also, the shelf is never empty.. I just took down her millions of stuffed giraffes when I took down the wallpaper. This shelf was made by my mom about 20 years ago and the other shelf was made by my brother about 10 years ago.


Her gigantic closet. I should have had the doors open so you can see just how much space is in there. There are two bars that are the full length of the closet with a shelf running along the top of each bar. I'm hoping to reduce it to one side and turn the other side into some sort of shelving/storage unit. My spoiled little girl desperately needs it!

Looking at all the pictures now, I realize that this is going to take me longer than I thought.. but I'm excited that I am finally able to get to it. One thing I have going for me is that she is, right now in fact, sleeping in my room. I don't know how tonight will pan out, but I do know that I will want my room back soon.

Good thing it is big. It may look tight, but there is actually a lot of room. I even have our glider chair in there with room to spare.. with a piano in there as well! It definitely needs some work too. The green has got to go.. but that is another day.. !

Anyways, there you have it! Tomorrow I think I'll take pictures of the other rooms in the house that Abby has taken over.. which is every room.. and talk about whats going to change. Writing this blog today made me see just how much easier it is to look at a picture of a room and see possibilities than it is to stand in the room and think of things. Spring is right around the corner and so is the nice weather. I want all of this reno stuff to be done so that I can spend some quality time with Abby and really enjoy our last few months together.

Success!!

Daylight savings was never really an issue for me until I had a child. All it would mean was an hour less or more at the bars. Back in the fall, I had my first daylight savings and vowed never to let it affect me again! It didn't help that Abby wasn't sleeping much at the time it changed, I'm sure, but it was a nightmare! You never really realize what an hour does to you! Especially when you have your whole schedule based on certain times of the day. Well, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice? NEVER! This time I slowly changed our internal clocks together before the time change. I thought it would be harder than it actually ended up being.. but it worked! And, it may not seem like a huge deal, but I am pretty impressed with myself! Abby is not phased one bit by the change and for most nights now, sleeps straight for at least 10 hours.

Now, just when we have things all figured out, I'm going to change things. I have not painted since we moved in November and have been itching to do it almost every day. I finally am going to get to it now that the weather is a little nicer out, and I am starting with her room. What does that mean? Her crib/change table are going in my room and I am going to be sleeping on the couch for a while. I contemplated sleeping in my room too, and may even try it.. but something tells me that she will be rattling at the prison bars begging to get out if she see me in there.
I am really excited about doing her room though, so sleeping on the couch is worth it to me. I will have to take before/after pictures. Right now it is a jungle theme, but I am going to keep the walls neutral so that it can be an easy change over if she doesn't like it when she's a bit older. That isn't what I am excited about though. I bought magnetic paint and chalkboard paint!! One wall of her room is giant sliding closet doors, and I am going to turn them into the best doors a little girl can have! I can't wait to see how it turns out. Anyways, all this is happening tomorrow, so fingers crossed for how she will take to the new room change. I'll get some pictures up, and some updated pictures of her because I have been slacking in that department, but have a feeling it will be picking up again soon with the weather changes.. and that she is going to be my little model for all my crafty creations that I have been making lately. Headbands, tiaras, tutus, bows.. etc you name it, I am making it! And, selling it too..! If you would have asked me a year ago if I would be doing this kinda stuff I would have told you that you were crazy. Now, here I am! Maybe I've gone stir crazy.. whatever it is, it's fun!
So, now it's off to bed to think about all the fun things I can do with her room!
Update you soon!

Abigail Laughing

I tried to upload this video, but when I did, it was sideways! So here is the youtube version of the best sound in the world.

Wordless Wednesdays

First time out in the snow

Dear Abby

You are now 17lbs and 28 inches long. Wow. You are 10lbs heavier and 10 inches longer than the day you were born and I don't know when that happened. Six months have come and gone, and today we start on number seven. Out of all of the months we've spent together so far, this last one has been my favourite by far. A large part of that has to do with how many "firsts" happened!

Your first time eating solids

And you weren't too impressed..

Second try with Uncle Aaron and you were a pro!

Your first time standing up in your crib alone which you now make a habit of doing..

Your first ChristmasAnd you loved all the attention

Your first word.. MAMA! A word that melts my heart every time I hear it..

And most recently..your first time crawling and you haven't stopped moving since..!

I have no idea what to expect these next couple months. I have been doing sign language with you, so maybe I'll get a sign back? I'm sure you will be doing some form of walking by the end of this month as well. You are already scooting over to the nearest obstacle in your path to climb and conquer it, followed by the biggest grin of satisfaction. Maybe another word? I thought for sure one of the four teeth visible in your gums would make it's entrance into the world last month, but maybe this one? Who knows. Time will tell. All I know is I can't wait to find out what's in store for us.

I love you more and more with each day that passes.

Yours forever,

Mama

The Adventures of Feeding Abigail

Ok.. so I couldn't resist.. I am in love with this video (and my child for that matter) so the whole world deserves a chance to see it!
Enjoy!!

The Blogs to End All Blogs?

I have decided that blogging just isn't for me anymore right now. I'm sure I'll start up again later.. but for right now, I'm done! Thanks for reading..

Home Sweet Home

Hey bloggy world.. I'm back! It has been a LONG week.. very busy.. a lot of ups and downs, but I'm still in one piece and so is Abby. This isn't really going to be a blog about anything in particular, but there are quite a few topics that I hope to address very soon. Like my little girl who unleashes little surprises everywhere I turn. She now can pull herself up and knows to keep holding on.. yikes. My goal in the next few days will be to record it. Walking by Christmas? Who knows! haha I sure hope not..
The house is another topic on its own. Things are a bit chaotic still.. hard to unpack with a 4 month old trying to escape from her crib... starting to feel a bit like home though. I pictured a lot of it done by now with even my Christmas decorations up, but not happening!
Also, getting over being pretty sick.. was scary for a bit because I was so scared Abby was going to get sick from me, but she seems fine and I am getting better.. just have hand sanitizer and Kleenex located in every square foot of the house..!
Besides the sickness, everything seems to just be going great.. and I mean everything. Someone is definitely looking out for Abby and I..
Well.. bedtime for me.. hope to blog soon.. with some pictures and videos!

Gone Fishin'

And by Gone Fishin' I mean.. we GET THE HOUSE TODAY!!! I can't believe it is here.. this day seemed to never come, and here it is. That also means though that I will not be blogging for a couple days.. at least until Tuesday because thats when the internet is getting installed. I doubt I'd have time really to blog anyways though!! I'm sure my next couple blogs will have a lot to say.. maybe my super baby will be walking by then haha who knows!!
Until next week..!

Super Baby?

So, I'm pretty sure my baby has some sort of super strength. A few nights ago, she pulled herself to stand in her playpen!!! I mean, it didn't last long because she doesn't realize she has to hold on still when she gets up there, but she pulled herself up tons of times. WTF

Isn't this stuff like.. at the 7 month stage? If so.. why is my 4 month old doing it. Rolling over both ways with ease? And sitting. I mean, unaided, grabbing things by herself and not losing her balance sitting. She was doing both before 4 months. Isn't that supposed to happen more around.. say.. the 6 month marker?

While I am SO proud of her for being able to do all this stuff, a big part of me looks at other babies her age and wishes she would have stayed like a newborn longer. They don't get all crazy and wiggly when you try and hold them because they want to try to sit up or walk.

ABBY! Why do you want to hit all your milestones at an incredible pace?!!!!!? Slow down.

That didn't take long..

If you don't remember or haven't read previous blogs.. I thrive off of satisfying my urges. And by urges.. I mean ideas that I have conjured up. So, if you see that I have blogged about thinking about doing something, rest assured, it will be done within a week. That being said, Abby now has two holes in her head. We went on Saturday to the mall just to take a look and get some more information.. not necessarily to get it done. Walked out with a shiny new pair of earrings!

Abby was such a champ. She cried for maybe 10 seconds, part of which was just the discontent of being restricted, then saw her reflection in the mirror and started smiling at it. She now is even CUTER (if that is even possible..) and is none the wiser.

I am very happy that I got it done. I will say though, after we got home and she was playing, I was looking at her and she looked so different.. and less like that natural-naked-baby-beautiful.. and I seriously contemplated taking them out. That moment has passed though, and I do not regret getting it done at all.

(Not the best shot, but busy with the MOVE!)

Today.

So what is today? Let me tell you. It is exactly one week from my moving date and the start of a new life (sort of...). I have moved a ridiculous amount of times in my life. 10 in the last 10 years to be exact. 11 if you count the fact that I am currently living in two different places at once right now. My dad calls me a gypsy. I think he's right, or.. well.. WAS right. This gypsy has found a place where she is going to stay. I like to go where the wind blows me.. but this time the wind has to blow REALLY hard to move me because I am not one person, I'm two :) Now, obviously the wind doesn't actually blow me places (my appetite wouldn't allow that to be physically possible), but situations do. The "wind" is the cost of living, life changes, relationships and most recently, Abby. Before, the combination and requirements that made sense for me to move to and from a place were small. A relationship would get me to move pretty easily. So would a cheaper place to live. Or, being closer to work/school. Now, after this move I am going to have a giant list of requirements to blow this gypsy. A relationship will no longer move me. Not without some kind of serious commitment and a LOT of consideration.. plus.. I'm in no rush. Financially, I am in a really good place moving here. And then there is Abby. I am not going to move her around. This is going to be her home. Ok.. so lets recap.. Relationships.. check. Financial.. check. Abby.. check. Life changes..

Ok. Here is where it hurts. Looking at those words hits home really hard. Makes me scared to move. Reality hasn't really been able to hit yet with all of the hustle and bustle of a newborn around. I thought about it a lot when I was pregnant, but thinking about it and living it are two different things. Life changes are what I lived for. I know, I know.. you are thinking.. "um.. April? Having a baby is a pretty big life change..!" But this life change came as a surprise and now.. I don't see any more changes in the future. I'm sure I will adjust and figure things out. I always do. It will just be another challenge. My dad is right. I am a gypsy. I like change. I like testing my limits. Like keeping busy and being involved in lots of committees and events. My intentions after graduating last June were to head to Japan and teach for a year or two and then return and head off to teacher's college. Well. That can't happen now. I don't even think the teacher's college can. Not for a while at least. My job now, is mom. So, my life will be two things. Being a mom and working to financially support being a mom.
Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter. I am happy to be a mom. But I was very happy before too. I miss that "me".. Sacrifice. You definitely get a better understanding of the word when you are a mom. I definitely understand it.
I'm moving because of it.
All in all, the move is a good thing. A great thing for Abby. As for change.. I will just be put on hold. I can just watch Abby change... right?
Right.
This is a good thing.
So.. come on move #11 (12). Lets make this last change a great one.

Thriving Thursdays

So, I realize this video is not the best quality.. and the lighting is horrible.. but you get the idea..! My little girl can roll over like a pro now!

You may have noticed that she only has half her outfit on! That is because she loves her toesies and is much happier when she plays!